There are Days and days
by boredkiwi
Summary: Absolutely not canon, but Jake has anxiety, and has a panic attack. He texts his girlfriend Amy Santiago for help, and they end up talking some things over. Fluffyish towards the end, but based on my personal experience with anxiety and Panic attacks. Rated T for swearing, and mental illness.
1. He Gets Like This Sometimes

As always. these characters and places do not belong to me, they are part of the Brilliant Brooklyn 99 Universe.

He gets like this sometimes. A few too many difficult cases in a row, a couple of dead bodies he can't seem to be rid of. He'll stay up until all hours of the night watching Netflix and trying to distract himself. When he comes into the precinct the next day, he'll be a little more loud, a touch more excitable than usual. He turns down Amy's offers of drinks after work and doesn't go around to her place nearly as often.

It's like all the noise from the world builds up, and during the day he can ride it out, use it to his advantage as he throws himself headfirst into a case. But at night he finds himself second guessing his judgement, going over scenarios again and again in his head. He plans all eventualities of horrible horrible things happening. Recently it's been about Amy. He sees her being kidnapped, murdered, tortured, hit by cars, dying of cancer and, _oh god._

His breath is picking up pace  
His heart is constricting  
it's like the walls are closing in around him  
There's too much noise  
 _too much noise_  
 _too much noise_

He clears his eyes long enough to open a text to Amy. Trying to convince himself that this is what he needs to do right now. That yes, he does need/deserve help right now. She'll understand right?

" _It's happening again. I'm sorry. Can you come over? All gooood if not"_

 _Pathetic. He's pathetic. He doesn't need to text his girlfriend every time he can't even control his own thoughts. Why the fuck can't he even be in control of his own emotions? They're his emotions and he should be able to control his own fucking emotions Jesus fucking Christ why the fuck is Amy not responding to him she should be responding maybe she hates him she hates how annoying he is and he can't blame her but oh god what if she leaves and what if he dies sitting right here because he couldn't even get control of his own thoughts and he was way too clingy and yeah she definitely hates him and he's going to die here sitting on the floor and he hates it he hates himself how did it get this bad how did he let himself get this bad oh my god where the fuck is Amy maybe she's been hit with a car and now he's just sitting here and he cant do anything right he's pathetic and useless and Amy would be better off without him why h god why does his whole body have to shake why does he have to be so fucking WEAK_

He doesn't even know how long he's been sitting there when he feels soft hands prying his cell phone out of his hands. He hadn't realised he'd been clutching it that tightly, until he felt the blood returning to his fingers. _It's her_ He knows it's her because he can smell her perfume or maybe it's her shampoo but either way it's her and he knows that he's gonna be OK because she's there. Even if the world is spinning and all he can feel is this weight on his chest that is trying to suffocate him. _He can't get a breath, he's going to die why can't he breathe Amy's going to leave if he can't brea-_

"Jake I need you to put your hands on your knees OK?"

He tries to follow her instructions, the ball he's folded himself into against the wall has become so comforting that he feels naked without his arms wrapped around his waist. But this is Amy and he knows she'll keep him safe. After a couple minutes of trying he moves his shaking arms to his knees. All the while Amy keeps whispering to him, comforting him that it's all going to be OK.

"Fantastic babe, now we're going to try and slow that breathing OK? Just try it's perfectly OK if we can't do it right now but we're going to try together OK? I'm not going anywhere I'm going to stay right here and we're going to take one deep breath OK? Just one that's all I need from you right now is one deep breath in."

Jake manages one shuddering, rasping breath in between his short, shallow gasps for air. He knows he needs to do this, knows that right now the blackness at the edges of his vision are a sign from his body. It's just so hard when all he can think about is how everybody's leaving and he can't do anything to stop it.

"OK when you're ready I want you to try another big breath followed by another. So two big breaths OK?" Amy whispers into him. She's careful not to be too close, she has a hand touching his foot. Enough weight and warmth he can feel her there but not enough that it'll overwhelm him.

Together they continue until the hyperventilation turns into quiet sobs. Amy moves in closer and holds his head against her chest. Stroking his hair, his cheeks. She gently rocks him, soothing him. They sat on the floor for an hour until Jake manages to stop crying and just lays in Amy's arms. It's been a while since he had a panic attack of this scale, and Amy would be lying if she didn't say it scared her. It was always so hard seeing him sitting there, in the same corner every time, curled into a ball with nail marks on his arms from where he'd been trying to physically hold himself together. Once she's sure he's calmed down a little she kisses the top of his head and asks,

"That was a pretty big panic babe, you want to talk about it?"

He looks up at her through wet eyelashes and Amy couldn't help but feel incredibly protective of him in that moment, He just looked so _broken._

"I guess" He sighed, shuffling into a more upright position, but keeping a firm hold of her hand.

"But can you stay over, I want to do this somewhere other than the living room floor"

Amy nodded her approval and pulled him gently towards his bedroom, where she and Jake both put on some of his PJs and climb under the covers. Amy pretended not to notice the way his hands shook, or how every so often he had to wipe tears from his eyes. Once they're sat in bed, Jake looked down at his lap. His hands twisting into knots, picking at his cuticles and cracking his knuckles. Amy softly reached over and placed her hands over his, stilling him and forcing his gaze upwards.

She watches him steel himself for what he's about to say, keeping her features soft and relaxed, showing him he's cared for here.

"I – I got trapped" he started out, casting his gaze downwards again. Amy could feel how his hands tightened around hers, and squeezed back comfortingly. She knew how hard it was for him to say this aloud. He never liked seeming weak, or anything less than the happy go lucky guy everybody else saw.

"It's been a tough couple of cases and I guess I just over reacted a little" He hardened his jaw into a firm line at that. She knows him, knows that this is what he does. Jake never likes to admit to feelings. At a look from Amy however he started rambling

"I mean I know I can't control everything and that I should be able to accept that some things are not my fault but how can I? How can I accept that it's not my fault when I never even saw it coming? I've usually thought about every possibility of every possible thing that could happen to me or you or someone near us and then cases like these ones come along and I haven't planned a response and I don't know what to do." His breathing started to escalate again and he knew he needed to try and stay calm, otherwise he was going to work himself into another attack and that wouldn't be helpful to him or Amy right now. He tried to focus on the feeling of Amy rubbing circles into his palms rather than on the clawing panic he could feel making its way back up his throat.

Amy sensed the rising anxiety levels and tried to calm him,

"You can't control everything Jake. I know it makes it easier to have pre-thought out every single scenario, trust me I understand needing that comfort. But even if you aren't prepared it's not your fault if another vic dies. That's the perps fault and you can't blame yourself for what the dirt bags do. You're the best detective in that precinct, whether you've planned things out or not. You know I'm always going to have your back, and I know for sure you didn't plan on that happening for the first little while that we were partners. Babe I've been watching you these past few months and you've been putting so much pressure on yourself to get this all done perfectly. I think we need to take a step back when you're ready and look at things objectively. But for now I know there was something more than work stress going on here tonight. Whats going on?

Jake looked up from their hands where he had been mesmerised by her thumbs, which were still rubbing concentric circles onto his hands. He took a steadying breath as he prepared himself for what he was about to say,

"I was trying to think of all the ways you could be hurt so I could prevent them..." He paused wondering whether he should continue and just tell her everything that happened or leave it at that.

"I – well – I – when I texted you I started thinking that I'd scared you off. That you weren't going to come. I – I - thought that you'd left me too" The last part he stammered very fast almost as if he hoped she wouldn't hear it.

Amy felt her heart sinking in her chest. When that text had come through she had been getting ready to have a shower after a late night of paperwork at the 99 precinct. She hadn't even unlocked her phone, getting as far as " _It's happening again"_ before she'd run back out to her hallway, grabbed her keys and started driving over to Jake. She hadn't thought about how it would've felt for him to be sitting there wondering whether or not she was coming, turning his spiral into an even deeper tumble than it originally was.

"Oh Jake, babe, look at me" She put her hand gently on his shoulder to try and get him to look up.

"I am not going anywhere. I love you OK? And as soon as I got that text I had jumped in the car to come over. I didn't even think to tell you I was on my way, I thought you'd just know. I promise you from now on, when you need me, I will be there as soon as I can, and I will let you know I'm coming. Because the very last thing you need to worry about, is that I'm going to be there, because I am. Always will be." She smiled softly at him "you're not gonna get rid of me that easily Peralta"

He managed a wan smile and leaned in to kiss her on the forehead,

"I think that's all I can manage for today babe, can we just go to sleep?"

Santiago just smiled and lay down under his duvet, she laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, not as slow as usual but steadily returning to normal. As Jake started rubbing her back softly she closed her eyes. Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.


	2. Cold Case Days

**As always these characters do not belong to me, I am merely borrowing them from the Brooklyn 99 Universe!**

 **AN at the bottom!**

The next day found the two of them wrapped around each other in bed. For a moment Amy allowed herself to revel in the warmth and comfort of waking up with the man she loved. After a brief glance at the clock however, she realised they both needed to get up if they were going to make it into the precinct on time. She rolled over and looked at Jake, noting how much more relaxed he looked when he was asleep.

"Jake, we need to get up" she murmured, running her hand across his shoulder. He cracked an eye then rolled over muttering something along the lines of  
"Too early"  
Speaking a little louder this time "Jake come on we've got to go to work, it's time to get up" she gave him a gentle shove, hoping it would give him the jolt he needed. When that still didn't work she gave the blankets a tug, leaving his legs to the cold morning air.  
"Aaaames I was warm! Can't I just go back to sleep?" Jake whimpered trying to grab the blankets back without moving (Amy had to stifle a laugh, he really did look ridiculous in the mornings). Leaning in she pecked him on the lips, and left the blankets on the floor as she made her way to the shower.

When she came back Jake still hadn't left the bed, although he was sitting up now, which was at least an improvement. After a signature Amy glare though, he begrudgingly put his feet on the floor and made his own way to the bathroom. Whilst he was showering Amy put on her clothes from last night, planning on changing into her spare clothes at the precinct, and made her way downstairs. Hoping that Jake had some non-sugar coated breakfast cereal in his cupboards still.

While she was preparing their breakfasts (Toast for her and fruit loops for her toddler of a boyfriend) Amy made a note to keep an extra eye on him today, the day after a panic attack was usually hard but the one last night had been a particularly hard one, even by Jake's standards and she wasn't sure quite how to handle it. Before she could think it over too much, she heard the shower turn off. Followed by the sounds of Jake getting dressed _how did she know what that sounded like?_ Then making his way down the hall.

Breakfast was a quiet affair. Jake making a few jokes, trying to pretend he had it all together. Amy just smiled and laughed softly. She knew that it was an act, but she also knew that this was how he coped. He laughed and put on a show so he didn't have to focus on memories of last night. After they had washed up she took his hand and together they headed downstairs into her car. For once he didn't complain that she was driving. After 15 minutes of silence while they sat in traffic she glanced over at him, trying to get a read of what was going through his head. She saw his lips moving as he played out possible conversations in his head. Keeping one hand on the steering wheel she took his hand from where it lay in his lap. She wasn't going to push it, not today.

She parked outside the 99, and they both took a moment to pause, taking in the hustle and bustle of a busy police precinct. Almost as if he were stepping into character, Jake took a big breath and plastered a big grin on his face.

"Come on Ames, let's go catch some bad guys!" He leapt out of the car and strode towards the front door of the precinct, only looking back to check that Amy was in fact following him. Striding into the bullpen he called out a general  
"What up party people!" Amy watched as he said hello to every single person there, each one he had a special way of greeting and every morning he never failed to make sure they were greeted appropriately. Even some of the frequent flyer criminals in the cells got special welcomes. It was one of the things she loved about Jake. The way he could always seem to light up a room, make friends with almost anyone. But today was different. It felt almost like he was trying too hard to be everybody's friend. Like when you run into somebody on the street and they pretend they remember you, when clearly they don't.

Watching him interact with all of their friends she decided that today was going to be another of _those_ days. The ones where they would find some old cold case with a puzzle that nobody had been able to crack. Something that Jake could take and hole up at his desk with, where he didn't have to focus on how he was going to talk to the victims or the victims' family. As she made this decision she strode towards her desk as well, with the intention of making a pit stop along the way at Sergeant Terry's desk, to ask if that was OK for her and Peralta to do.

After a brief moment, where she simply explained that Jake wasn't feeling very well she had permission for her and Peralta to spend the day on cold cases. Terry even handed her a couple of his old cold cases, knowing that days like these were important as a lot of the cases that couldn't usually be cracked, were solved on days like these. He had never asked any questions about why Jake felt ill increasingly often. Always assuming that when the two detectives were ready to tell him they would.

Armed with her binders of cold cases, Amy went to see Jake at his desk. He was playing a game on his phone, but she could tell he was preoccupied. She plonked the signature blue binders, which she had decided were the perfect size, colour and thickness for all of their "Cold case day" work. Jake looked up at her when she dropped them down on his desk with a surprisingly loud bang.

"Thanks" he whispered. He knew that today was bad, that he was probably worrying Amy. But he just couldn't get over how fragile he felt. It was like every single bone in his body had been turned into paper. He was sure that if he moved the wrong way he was going to break something. There was no way he could handle being in the field, not like this.

He opened one of the folders and started reading. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Amy take his lead and open her own file. Together they worked through the old cases. Occasionally asking the other opinion on different parts of stories that didn't line up. By the end of the day they had worked their way through 6 old cold cases. They left the completed cases on Terry's desk, he would handle them when he came in that morning. Making their way outside, Jake reached over and took Amy's hand, it was the first touch he had initiated today. She took this as a sign he was feeling a little better than he had been.

They were making their way towards Amy's car when Jake pulled her softly away, motioning down the road, silently asking if she wanted to go for a walk. Together they walked for 20 minutes until the came to the nearest park. They sat down on the park bench, watching all the families and groups of people. There were little league teams practicing, and kids running around playing tag. Families and young couples having picnics on the grass. It was nice, to be surrounded by people without having to interact with them.

Jake watched them for a while before he turned to Amy, with all the things he needed to say making their way to the surface. He took her hand in his, trying to push back memories of when the positions were reversed last night, and looked her in the eye.

"Ames I wanted to say sorry." He paused for a moment and cracked his knuckles, a nervous habit. "I know I've caused you some pain recently and that wasn't very fair on you." The look on her face prompted him to continue.  
"I withdrew, a lot. I…I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. It was like I was…" He puffs out a sigh and looks at the sky, trying to find the words to say next.  
"I was scared ya know? Everything just picked up speed, and then it was…" He puts his face in his hands, frustration at trying to find the right words to say showing. Amy rubs his back comfortingly, waiting for him to be ready  
"It was like I wasn't in control anymore you know? I wanted to ask you to come over after work, I wanted to go to Boyle's weird ass Goat foot restaurant or whatever. OK well maybe not that one." He let out a shuddery breath, trying to keep his emotions in control  
"But I did want to hang out with him! I wanted to do all of these things. But my brain just made it feel like this, this" He chokes out the next word vehemently  
" _I_ mpossible task. I felt like I couldn't be, well, normal." The last word was almost a whisper, he looked down, afraid that he'd said too much. He always seemed to be saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He started to get the tight chest feeling he always got when he got anxious. It wasn't until Amy started speaking that he could feel the knot of worry starting to loosen in his chest.

"Jake, I want you to know that no matter what happens I'm always going to be there for you." She started off. Untangling his hands from themselves to hold them close to her. She tried to phrase her next words very carefully.  
"No matter what you think I'm going to do, I'm not going anywhere." She so desperately wanted to put his mind at ease, without downplaying what he was going through.

"Yes we have some, well some 'things' going on at the moment that are a bit scary, but honestly I think that we can do this. I think we just need to come up with a way for you to tell me you're struggling." Jake looked at her, opening his mouth to protest  
"Ames I don't want to have to sit down and talk every time I feel like shit! I –"

Amy interrupted him "We don't have to go into specifics, at that very moment. It's just some way that you can let me know that I should come stay at yours that night, or you should come to mine." Even as she said it she knew it wasn't a solution and that they were going to have to find some other ways to get through this. But for now, it seemed like an OK plan until they could come up with something more concrete.  
"It's a way you can tell me that you're feeling like…" She tried to find the right word for it  
"Spinning out of control?" Jake supplied humourlessly.  
"Well I guess that's one way to put it" she said.  
"Do you think we can agree on that? Because I think if we come up with a system it'll make it a little bit easier on you"

Jake swallowed the lump in his throat. His mind was trying to tell him that she was lying, that she was trying to trick him. For once he was just wanted to be able to tell his brain to just _shut the fuck up._ This was Amy, His Ames, and he knew that she would never ever lie to him about something this important. He knew, deep in his heart that she was going to stand by him.

"Amy Santiago, I love you so freaking much, you know that right?" He asked softly pulling her into a sideways hug.  
"I trust you and I think," He paused to allow himself to comprehend just what he was about to agree to "maybe, I can agree to that. But can we keep it subtle? I don't really wanna tell everybody just yet." He wracked his brain, thinking of a way that they could communicate in a room of detectives without anybody noticing.

"How about this? If I'm feeling overwhelmed I'll leave a cold case binder on your desk. That way you'll know it was me and it's not obvious?" He bit his lip, worried she might think he was being stupid.

"I think that sounds like the perfect idea" She smiled and stood up, brushing the dirt from the wooden park bench from her pants. Stretching out her hand she pulled Jake up and they started walking back to the police station. Jake couldn't help but feel at ease when they were like this. Comfortably silent, each one walking next to the other, holding hands. Thinking back on what they had discussed and the way Amy had helped him out the past couple of days, Jake couldn't help but have one thought flash through his mind as the sun started setting behind them.

 _She's the one._

 **AN**

 **Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading! This is my first attempt at fanfiction and I'd love for some feedback! It'd be great to hear what you all think! Also I have taken a bit of liberty with the Jake character, mainly basing his experience with anxiety off of my own. What'd you guys think? Also I might try turn this into a story? Idk let me know if I should turn it into a story or leave it as a one shot** **Also I updated it a little – I'm not the best with grammar or dialogue so I took it down to rework it a little after someone gave me some tips.**


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